This is ‘Part 2’ of my last post: I see what you did there…

In this post I will talk about how seeing abuse and getting abused affects relationships. I sort of did a ‘quick and dirty’ over view in my prior post but I wanted to go a little more in depth, especially concerning the abandonment and trust issues.

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Some days when Im looking thru my facebook stream, I see my friends posting how wonderful their parents are, how much they help them, etc…I did not have this luxury, EVER.

Not only have my parents never helped me, I havent even spoken to them in some time. I may be irrational in my line of thinking, but its my thought that are still abusing me.

You may be thinking ‘how is that abuse?’

Im going to call what they continue to do, neglect.

Even tho I saw them at my grandfathers funeral a few years ago, I did not really speak to my parents beyond the initial sympathies upon arriving at the funeral home. When my grandmother passed away back in 2011, I got a phone call from my mother the day before her funeral telling me she died. I wasnt even told where her funeral would be held.

Other than that phone call, my parents have never called me in close to 20 years.

I dont get birthday cards and neither have any of my children. We dont receive Christmas cards either.

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When I first started to flare back in December, I attempted to call them for some assistance. Quite honestly, I did not expect them to help, but I also did not expect to be told that I was a whore because I gave birth when I was a teenager.

I still cannot understand why something that occurred in 1988 is still being used by my parents as an excuse for them not being parents. Believe me, I havent forgotten getting pregnant in 1988.

What bothers me the most is that they have lost out on being around their grandchildren by maintaining this ‘blame’ for the past 20+ years. Instead of loving and getting to know my children, they refuse to have anything to do with them. Not only have they missed out on my childrens lives, they have two beautiful great-grandchildren that they are missing out on knowing.

As a parent and grandparent, I cant see how they can justify this in their minds OR hearts.

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This brings me back to non-emotion as a result of this abuse in my early life. I can see these non-emotional tendencies in me towards others. And I can see how this cycle goes on.

Granted, I have never been like this towards my children,  just in my other relationships….As ‘social’ as I am, I can also see how anti-social I am.

 

Many people see how many people I know, or talk to in general when in a social situation and try to tell me that Im not anti-social. Im talking about close friendships, not short term social situations.

Obviously, this only assures me that I have no one close to me. And, well, this obviously puts me in a position where even the things I need to talk about to someone else doesnt occur.

At this time in my life, I have so much baggage that its hard to even make a new friend, let alone continue an ‘established’ friendship. Most of what friendship consists of has to be put in place small piece by small piece, and without a ‘bond of trust’ you feel you cant share some of the things that have gone on in my life. And then, if you DO share, I can imagine that it could be pretty unsettling to hear.

And I found out that I tend to be non-emotional because at least in my mind, it saves me from being hurt.

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Ive broke up with guys because theyve told me they cared about me. Ive broke up with guys who wanted to take the next step in our relationships. All of this ‘reasoning’ was to save myself from becoming potentially hurt.

In truth tho, it caused more pain. It caused me to lose people that did truly care about me. I think about one person in particular who told me straight up that if I didnt stop this ridiculousness, I would be left alone, without no one around me to care. At the time I told him (actually yelled) that he wasnt old  enough to make that observation. If he were still alive, I would tell him that he was right.

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My current relationship has held ‘steady’ at nearly 13 years. But in the beginning, I wouldnt allow him to have a relationship with my children. I made it clear very early on that I would not be re-marrying. I also made it clear that there were to be no ‘I love yous’ exchanged.

(We would say elephant shoes instead of I love you)

And they say men have commitment phobia?

And obviously 13 years later, he does have a relationship with my kids and love yous have been exchanged, but I do hold tight onto that re-marrying part.

I feel extremely lucky that he stuck with me thru alot of that mess. And, Im still a mess. I still have a fear that he will abandon me. I still have a fear that if/when we break up, he will abandon my kids.

He tells me that Im being irrational, and on one hand – it hurts my feelings to hear him say that, but it also puts me off guard. As someone who has heard this before and been let down, its hard to trust someone when they say they wont leave.

And I can guarantee that its easy to leave me.

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As it stands right now, I only have three people who know me. And quite honestly, they really dont KNOW me. Ive omitted talking about certain things and at this point, an omission for this long, is a betrayal. Or it could be misconstrued as a betrayal.

Some of these omissions are a minutia – others an avalanche.

I stand now in fear that I will be left alone.

Which happens to be just where most abusers want you.

Apologies for the long and rambling post….

So, Ive been seeing a counselor to deal with some issues. I think everyone has issues and should talk with someone – someone who isnt involved with those issues.

Its no big secret that not only do I have health issues that I have to deal with, but some major emotional issues as well. Ive been ‘non-emotional’ for a better part of my adult life.

Marriage Schmarriage

Ive said at one point in my life, I never wanted to be married. I actually had it in my mind that this stemmed from having parents who are tremendously unhappy in their marriage.

And despite the issues with my own marriages, some of my thoughts regarding why they didnt work out was that I should not be happy. That I didnt deserve it.

However, during a recent counseling session, I found out that my thought was only partially true.

Witnessing a parent being abused

  • Ive seen my father beat the crap out of my mother, all while blaming her for a number of assorted things.
  • Ive seen my father throw the dinner she cooked across the room because he changed his mind about what he wanted.
  • And, Ive seen my mother make up lame stories about what happened to her when shes been caught with bruises.
  • Ive seen my father and grandfather call my mother horrible names. Ive seen them screaming into each others faces.

Being abused by a parent

Ive actually been scarred by my parents by their actions towards me when I was a child. Now, some of you may be thinking, ‘Yea-havent we all?’

While some of you believe that they were abused as children due to discipline ‘abuse’, I was living with a mother who woke me up every morning screaming obscenities at me. We arent talking about a parent who is cursing because their child is being uncooperative getting up for school here, we are talking about a parent who screams that their child is a *bitch* or several other words. Every. Single. Day.

My mother would slap me across the face for disagreeing with her. If my opinion differed, I would get slapped.

My behavior

At one point, I became completely defiant. Not only was I hostile towards my parents, I would openly defy whatever they said to do.

My parents put me in religious counseling. I dont know what ‘they’ told that counselor but I was told to do what my parents told me or Id go to hell for not listening. Some counseling, huh?

Results?

I made some ‘bad’ choices as a result of viewing this abuse, being a victim of this abuse, and feeling unloved.

I had met this guy who showed me the attention I had craved. You know where this one is going tho, right?

Long story short, I found someone that would help me escape this hellish life at my parents home. I found myself pregnant at 16 and being forced to choose between marrying him or getting an abortion. I choose to marry him.

At the time it didnt matter that we had nothing in common besides a physical attraction. It didnt matter that he was possessive of me. None of it mattered. It only mattered that he was willing to marry me and ‘save’ me.

Short lived

Its not surprising that this relationship was short lived. It didnt even last a full year passed our wedding day.

I basically just went from one abusive place to another.

And when that relationship was over, I was the one blamed. Not only did he, his family and my own family blame me…..I blamed myself for this failure.

The ‘I told you sos’ from my family were bad enough, but I wasnt able to maintain any type of custody for the newborn child I had given birth to only months earlier. I had to give custody up to her father.

From one to another

I ran into someone I knew prior to my short lived marriage. And we began a nearly 10 year relationship. These were a tumultuous decade.

We both ‘gave as good as we got’….

I had a rotten attitude and he couldnt keep his genitalia to himself. A rotten combination. And a vicious horrible circle..

It wasnt until the birth of my third child that everything came to a head.

I became seriously ill after giving birth and the betrayal of my husband was too much. Not only did I almost die, but while I was fighting for my life in ICU, he was out running around with a local slut.

The proverbial last straw had arrived.

That man disappeared off the face of the earth. He abandoned not only me in the process, but my two youngest children as well.

Moving on?

My children and I moved into his mothers apartment. (yes, HIS mother). And she and her husband helped me take care of my children for a number of years.

Why does this all matter?

It has been about 17 years since my second marriage broke up. In those 17 years alot has occurred.

Ive been dealing with the diagnoses of lupus, fibromyagia, COPD along with many other health issues. I have had a long term relationship with a wonderful guy. My kids have grown up, with my youngest now almost 18 and getting ready to graduate high school. My oldest two daughters have given me the best gift, grandchildren.

Which brings me to the vicious cycle of abuse.

I havent been a perfect parent. Ive said things I probably should have never said to or around my children. I am ashamed of that.

Ive spanked my children. With a wooden spoon. Sometimes in anger.

I feel like I was abusive.

My children dont act like I was, but I feel that somewhere within them, they have those memories of their mother acting like a jerk. And I feel that somewhere within them they will feel the way I feel towards my family, towards me.

I wanted to be a different type of parent. Once who would not repeat what I had seen or been thru. I believe that I failed.

 

I have more to say about this, but this post has already taken me half the day to compose.