This is ‘Part 2’ of my last post: I see what you did there…

In this post I will talk about how seeing abuse and getting abused affects relationships. I sort of did a ‘quick and dirty’ over view in my prior post but I wanted to go a little more in depth, especially concerning the abandonment and trust issues.

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Some days when Im looking thru my facebook stream, I see my friends posting how wonderful their parents are, how much they help them, etc…I did not have this luxury, EVER.

Not only have my parents never helped me, I havent even spoken to them in some time. I may be irrational in my line of thinking, but its my thought that are still abusing me.

You may be thinking ‘how is that abuse?’

Im going to call what they continue to do, neglect.

Even tho I saw them at my grandfathers funeral a few years ago, I did not really speak to my parents beyond the initial sympathies upon arriving at the funeral home. When my grandmother passed away back in 2011, I got a phone call from my mother the day before her funeral telling me she died. I wasnt even told where her funeral would be held.

Other than that phone call, my parents have never called me in close to 20 years.

I dont get birthday cards and neither have any of my children. We dont receive Christmas cards either.

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When I first started to flare back in December, I attempted to call them for some assistance. Quite honestly, I did not expect them to help, but I also did not expect to be told that I was a whore because I gave birth when I was a teenager.

I still cannot understand why something that occurred in 1988 is still being used by my parents as an excuse for them not being parents. Believe me, I havent forgotten getting pregnant in 1988.

What bothers me the most is that they have lost out on being around their grandchildren by maintaining this ‘blame’ for the past 20+ years. Instead of loving and getting to know my children, they refuse to have anything to do with them. Not only have they missed out on my childrens lives, they have two beautiful great-grandchildren that they are missing out on knowing.

As a parent and grandparent, I cant see how they can justify this in their minds OR hearts.

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This brings me back to non-emotion as a result of this abuse in my early life. I can see these non-emotional tendencies in me towards others. And I can see how this cycle goes on.

Granted, I have never been like this towards my children,  just in my other relationships….As ‘social’ as I am, I can also see how anti-social I am.

 

Many people see how many people I know, or talk to in general when in a social situation and try to tell me that Im not anti-social. Im talking about close friendships, not short term social situations.

Obviously, this only assures me that I have no one close to me. And, well, this obviously puts me in a position where even the things I need to talk about to someone else doesnt occur.

At this time in my life, I have so much baggage that its hard to even make a new friend, let alone continue an ‘established’ friendship. Most of what friendship consists of has to be put in place small piece by small piece, and without a ‘bond of trust’ you feel you cant share some of the things that have gone on in my life. And then, if you DO share, I can imagine that it could be pretty unsettling to hear.

And I found out that I tend to be non-emotional because at least in my mind, it saves me from being hurt.

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Ive broke up with guys because theyve told me they cared about me. Ive broke up with guys who wanted to take the next step in our relationships. All of this ‘reasoning’ was to save myself from becoming potentially hurt.

In truth tho, it caused more pain. It caused me to lose people that did truly care about me. I think about one person in particular who told me straight up that if I didnt stop this ridiculousness, I would be left alone, without no one around me to care. At the time I told him (actually yelled) that he wasnt old  enough to make that observation. If he were still alive, I would tell him that he was right.

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My current relationship has held ‘steady’ at nearly 13 years. But in the beginning, I wouldnt allow him to have a relationship with my children. I made it clear very early on that I would not be re-marrying. I also made it clear that there were to be no ‘I love yous’ exchanged.

(We would say elephant shoes instead of I love you)

And they say men have commitment phobia?

And obviously 13 years later, he does have a relationship with my kids and love yous have been exchanged, but I do hold tight onto that re-marrying part.

I feel extremely lucky that he stuck with me thru alot of that mess. And, Im still a mess. I still have a fear that he will abandon me. I still have a fear that if/when we break up, he will abandon my kids.

He tells me that Im being irrational, and on one hand – it hurts my feelings to hear him say that, but it also puts me off guard. As someone who has heard this before and been let down, its hard to trust someone when they say they wont leave.

And I can guarantee that its easy to leave me.

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As it stands right now, I only have three people who know me. And quite honestly, they really dont KNOW me. Ive omitted talking about certain things and at this point, an omission for this long, is a betrayal. Or it could be misconstrued as a betrayal.

Some of these omissions are a minutia – others an avalanche.

I stand now in fear that I will be left alone.

Which happens to be just where most abusers want you.

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