One of the blogs I follow has recently been posting these 30 Days of Truth writing prompts. (See list here: http://hope.gr/30-days-of-truth/ ) I thought, what a great idea!

I originally started my blog writing about conspiracy theories, and then I started writing about stupidity I saw online. Lately, my writing has been more personally focused, mainly as a journal about my lupus flare. So, since Im writing from a personal stand point now, I thought I would give this prompt a try….

 

Something you hate about yourself

I hate that I have a hard time accepting help.

Despite the many obstacles in my path of life, I have accomplished alot of my goals. Most of which, I did with very minimal help. Ive always worked (with a few medical leaves in between) and Ive always pulled my own weight.

That phrase is a big part of who I am. PULLED MY OWN WEIGHT.

I admit that after my ex left me and my kids high and dry, I went to live with his family. (yes, HIS family). However, I wasnt living ‘high on the hog’ either. I paid for my share of food, rent, and other various things while living there. I did most of the house cleaning because Im a clean freak. I also paid them to watch my kids so I could work. I also gave my mother in law gas money so she would take me to work (since I didnt have a license at the time) and take my daughter to school.

Im pretty sure that even if I didnt do those things, me and my kids would have had a place to live, but I just had a hard time accepting their help (even tho I sure needed it at the time).

Because of lupus, I HAVE to accept help from those around me. Some days, weeks, and even months, things are ‘normal’ and I can go about my regular routine. But when I flare, I need to accept the help I get. Yea, the house isnt as clean as Id like it to be and the clothes arent folded the same way I would fold them…..and I have to not allow their ‘inability’ to do stuff the way I would interfere with their kindness.

Right now, I have more ‘bad’ days than good. I struggle with the fact that Im not pulling my own weight. <—Thats me, not them saying that. But Im grateful that they can see that I dont have the energy or that my hands are so swollen I cannot grasp objects, and take charge to get things done, so that I can rest.

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